'A little bit longer...'

I’ve realized something yesterday night. Sometimes I felt like sharing with you guys. Because after all, this blog’s about me, about my feelings. It’s a way for me to let go while helping you to get to know me.

If you’ve read my blog and my tweets carefully, you know i love helping people. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel content with myself. It makes feel like this is where i belong. It gives me a goal in life. When I see someone feeling bad, i do my best to help them feel better. I prove them wrong when they feel like they’re not worth it. What i like the best about what i do is when people come up to me spontaneously, without me tweeting them.

It happened to me a couple of weeks ago. A girl i knew needed help. And she came to me to make sure she was making the right choice. She indeed had realized it was time for her to seek professional help but she was afraid because her family wasn’t very supporting, saying a therapy was maybe a bit too extreme. But this is not what i thought. What I thought was that she was acknowledging her problems, and by doing so, showing she was willing to get better. So I told her she was making the right decision. That same girl later on got diagnosed with PTSD. What if she had followed her family’s thought? What if she hadn’t felt strong enough to go? She wouldn’t have known she has PTSD and she wouldn’t have gotten help for it. She’s slowly getting better now. I keep checking up on her every week. That’s something I like to do. To know how things are going. To keep up with her progresses. 

But sometimes, things just don’t work out. You can try and help someone, distance will never make it right. Your words are here but YOU aren’t. And some people need more than words. They need people by their side, people to cheer them up anytime. And more than ever, they need that will to get better. Your words help them for a little while, they comfort them but then you’re not here to see how they are truly feeling. They tell you they’re okay but you know deep inside that they’re not. You put pressure on yourself, telling yourself you can’t let them down. But how do you help someone who doesn’t want to be picked up from the ground? You can’t; You just can’t. So all you have to do is keep on trying, until the day they actually see you were right all along. 

And that thing i realized last night is that at the end of the day, what matters is knowing what I have done my best during the day to make people feel better. It’s knowing that i DMed C. to know she was alright, that i tweeted L. to know she was still holding on, that i texted S. to know if she was getting better. I’m thousands of miles away from these people. And sometimes my words are not enough. But sometimes, these same words are everything people need to make these first few steps to recovery.

I’ve got a question for you tonight….

How do you prevent someone’s words to hurt you?

I know that might sounds weird coming from me.. After all, i always tell you, ignore the haters, they’re just jealous. But i guess i never really had to face cyberbullying before… I’ve had to deal with this hater for about a week now and i’ve got to admit that’s been damn hard.

At first, i was ignoring them cause after all it was not the first time i was called fat.. or a bitch.. But these words, before ignoring them, you’ve got to read them. And when you read them, your whole life flashes and you start thinking about things that have happened in your life… These things which would lead you to deserve these insults. The worst part is when you do find these things. Does that make sense? I don’t know anymore. All i know if that when i say i’m ignoring this hater, i’m lying. I’m not ignoring him. Never been. They made me think a lot lately. I sometimes feel like i do deserve this. I’ve done horrible things in my life. I’ve let my twin sister take my seat. Last Sunday again, i saw a girl got beaten just in front of me. Did i move my butt to go and help her? Did I call the police? Did i tell them to stop? No. I didn’t fucking do anything. I just stood there, too damn scared to do anything. Not even able to move a bit because of this fucking spasmophilia. I stood there and just watched a girl getting beaten. I’m so fucking messed up. I should have never let my sister switch seats with me. I should have move my butt and help this girl. Somehow i do deserve that shit being thrown at me.

Ashley’s dead. She’s gone. And i’m here lying in my bed. How is this fair, huh?

Anonymous asked: You're beautiful ♥

:’) thank you :)

Sometimes, i do feel like my world is collapsing all over again.

I haven’t been eating much lately. Not that i didn’t want to, i just wasn’t angry. 

And my mum lets me. I don’t know if i should be mad at her or be thankful for her. 

Thankful cause after all, that’s my decision not to eat and she respects it. She doesn’t force me. But on the other hand, mad because it feels like she doesn’t care that i haven’t been eating. I mean.. after all this, she should care, right? I don’t know… All i know is that she doesn’t trust me. But i can’t blame her. I don’t trust myself either. She told me the other day that she doesn’t want me to live on my own. When i asked her why, she said: “You either won’t sleep, won’t eat or won’t wake up”.. Is my life that messed up? Would i really be like that if i lived on my own?… Yeah.. Probably. 

I’ve also cut again. Not that much don’t worry.

It was that time of the year when i’m just confused on why i’m alive and my sister isn’t. It’s just hard celebrating your birthday alone when you’re a twin. There’s always something.. or someone missing.. And you feel it in the air. I know what y’all are going to say: she was with me, in my heart. And to this i reply, i know she was but it’s still not the same. Why did i get the chance to live 18 birthdays when she only got to live 6, huh?! I don’t get it. I just try to but i can’t, and it gets on my nerve so bad and then i need to let this all go…

It only happens once a year so please don’t be mad.

But y’all know im not going to finish this blog like that. My blogs always end up with a positive message. Truth is I’ve found something to hold on too. A friend to catch me when i fall. I’m going to Canada this summer to visit my friend Sam. Every morning i wake up and check my phone to see the countdown to Canada rolling.. 120 days.. I already know it’s going to be the best summer ever. Not only cause it’s Canada, one of my biggest dreams, but also cause i get to spend this trip with Sam. She knows me better than i know myself. Anytime i’m feeling down or anytime i start being a b*tch to people, i text her and tell her to help me. And she does. She talks to me until i’m alright again, even if it takes hours. I just love that feeling. That feeling i get that there is always someone here for me. It’s one of the best feeling in the world. So when i’m starting to feel sad or anything, i hold on to that feeling and i remember that soon enough, it won’t be just a feeling.. It will be reality :)

Silly Little Things….

…coming out of college and seeing my baby sister Enola running up to me…

…the way Nolz stares at me and all of a sudden pulls up a big smile…

…the way she holds both of my hands when she wants to dance…

…the way she does play back everytime i sing to her…

…when my baby sister Léandra looks at me with a big blue eyes…

…when people randomly text me that they’re proud of me…

…when people just randomly text me for no reason…

…when i go to Disneyland :)…

…when people quote me…

…when anonymous people message me how thankful they are for me…

…when someone lets me know that in some ways, i’ve helped them…

…when people tell me I’m as inspiring as Demi Lovato…

…when people i haven’t seen in ages suddenly decide they want to see me…

These are just silly little things. Silly little things that bring a smile to my face. A smile that makes every day easier. An easier life that makes me stronger. Silly little things that heal the scars and help me to forget the pain, at least for a little while.

Someone asked me today why I used to feel so ashamed of myself before. 

The first thing that came to my mind was my body. I’ve never been comfortable with it. Never have, never will be. I’ve always envied these skinny girl. Not the very skinny ones but the ones who are naturally thin. For years, the little fat I had in more annoyed me so much. I could try any diet, it wouldn’t work. So I eventually started starving myself, I would skip lunch. And dinner as well. I would find any reason not to have lunch. Most of time, I would sleep instead of eating. Then I eventually gave up trying to be thin. Because I had friends, friends that loved me for me, not for how I looked like. 

Then the second thing that came to my mind was my social life. I used to stay alone most of time, I had no real friends till the age of 14. I’ve spent days wondering why no one would talk to me. Why they wouldn’t come up to me and just stay with me. Why they wouldn’t let me play with them or even why they would move away anytime i tried to get near them to talk. They told me I was boring. And they still do but for different reason. At the time, I was really shy and it was a huge step for me to go towards groups of people i had never met before and just talk to them. So anytime I was rejected, i would sit in a corner and wait till the bell rang. I think people just wouldn’t bother getting to know me. Nowadays, things haven’t really change. They still think I’m boring, and they say it out loud. Sometimes they just say its a joke but it hurts because I know it’s what they really think. But then I recall why they think I’m boring. They think I’m boring cause I don’t drink, nor smoke, nor party all night long. I keep reminding myself of their reasons, because they taught me so much about them, about who they truly are. I dislike being around people who think alcohol is the only way to have fun. People who now know me have realized this. And they don’t think it makes me boring. Actually they say they have respect for me because I know where I stand and no one but me will change my way of life. 

And finally, the last thing I thought made me ashamed of myself was my behavior towards my mum. It might sound silly for most of you but I don’t care. My mum is my inspiration, no matter what we went through, she always found a way to make it through. She always found a way for us to live happy. Always stood high when people were breaking her down. And how was I showing her how thankful I was? That’s simple. I wasn’t showing it. I would fight with her, lie to her to stay near school a bit later, not care about what she’d tell me to do, never help her. I sound selfish. And I was. I know. But things have changed. With time I realized how hard it was for her. I’ve seen her breaking down so many times. She would just sit down and cry. The first time I saw her crying was the day i blamed her for my dad leaving. I was mad and all i wanted was to hurt someone as much as i was hurt. And it is her i blamed. My dad cheating and leaving wasn’t her fault, and i knew it. When I saw her breaking down for this first time, I realized how much of her sadness was my fault. Because I never showed her how much I loved her, now matter how hard she would try to show me and my brothers that she loved us. So that day I saw her crying, I went towards her and hugged her. Thing that hadn’t happened for years. She was surprised but for a moment I had seen relief in her eyes. Relief to see she was not alone, to know that she didn’t have to be strong for anyone else but herself. That I was here now. That i was strong. And that I wasn’t going anywhere.

So yeah. This was way too long to fit in 140 characters but I wanted to share this with you. Share some of the things that led me to a bad period and how I realized lately that they could have been so easy to avoid. 
Those things made me ashamed of who I am. Of who I was. Until someone showed me the right way. 

Anonymous asked: I am currently battling an eating disorder and you have no idea how much you make me smile! You are very inspiring, and I can't say enough good things about you. I hope that one day I can be as strong as you are. Please don't ever stop helping others. You may think you're not much of a help, but to someone like me, you're much more than that.

First of all, you are strong. I know how hard it is to fight these demons, those addictions and i know it takes a lot of strength to first of all, admit you have a problem, and then to find the will to change things.

You are right, i don’t realize the impact my words can have on people, but it is people like you sending me messages like this that make me keep on helping others. Sometimes i feel like what i say doesn’t matter to anyone but you guys remind me that it does. 

So i won’t stop. Helping YOU helps ME. It reminds me that my life has a purpose. It reminds me that i was put on this earth for a reason, for YOU. 

Please message me if you need anything, anytime. x

I found this article somewhere online today. It’s not mine, but i could have written every word so i felt like sharing it with you guys.

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO:

People suffering from depression:

“Stop being so negative!”
“You choose to be sad”
“You don’t even have anything to be sad about”
“There are millions worse off than you, just get a grip!”

People struggling with self-harm:

“You’re just doing it for attention!”
“Those cuts aren’t even that bad”
“You don’t even have a reason to cut/burn yourself”
“You freak! Hide your scars, no one wants to see those disgusting things”

People that attempt suicide/are suicidal:

“You’re so sefish!”
“You don’t care about anyone but yourself”
“Don’t you realize what this would do to your Mum/Dad/Family/Friends. You need to think about other people and not just yourself”
“Just get over it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get on with life”

People suffering from Anorexia Nervosa:

“JUST EAT!”
“You’re just doing this to hurt others”
“There are children dying of starvation and you’re just choosing not to eat, that’s so selfish”
“If you don’t start eating you won’t —- (stay over at your friends this weekend, get your allowance, etc)

People suffering from Bulimia Nervosa:

“Ew! That is so gross!”
“Just stop eating too much!”
“I’ll take all your money off you so you can’t buy binge food”
“I’ll lock the bathroom door to stop you purging”

SURVIVORS of Rape, Sexual Abuse, Molestation and Incest:

“You probably asked for it/insinuated it/gave permission”
“You’re lying/I don’t believe you/(s)he wouldn’t do that”
“Just get over it already! It’s in the past!”
“That is so disgusting. Aren’t you ashamed? I wouldn’t tell anyone if I were you…”

Victims of Bullying

“Just stick it out. They’ll give up soon enough”
“Well maybe you’ve pushed them to it”
“Don’t stick up for yourself or tell anyone ‘cause it’ll make it worse”
“Who cares? They’re not even being that harsh… You’re lucky compared to some people!”

Victims of Domestic Abuse

“Maybe you did something to provoke them?”
“Just fight/argue back”
“Get out of there! You’re doing this to yourself the longer you stay there”
“A lot of people have it worse than you…”

Victims of emotional trauma/abuse

“Maybe you should just do as they ask, then they won’t get angry”
“Just ignore them”
“What they’re saying doesn’t matter. Stop letting it affect you”
“You’re just too sensitive”

People struggling with general/social anxiety

“You’re just socially awkward”
“Why would anyone be afraid of that?”
“If you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, just tell me straight! Don’t make up all this crap about being anxious”
“Just get over it!”

Most common ‘insult’ that is misunderstood:

“Attention-seeker” - Ever been called that? 
When you’re struggling with any of those things above, or similar things and someone calls you an “attention seeker”, it can be like being stabbed in the stomach and feeling the knife twisting. 

After years of people calling me an attention seeker, I will admit that just this week, I was called it and it hurt… But here’s the thing: We are ALL attention-seekers.
Attention is a human NEED. So why do people insist on making us feel guilty about that? Why do people insist on making it out to be a bad thing, that only selfish people seek? Each and every one of us seek, or at least long for, attention. 

But when you’re struggling with depression, self-injury, an eating disorder, or any mental health illness, “attention seeker” seems to pop up again and again.
Why does this hurt those people more than it would hurt someone else, if we all seek attention? Because when you have a mental illness, there’s an underlying issue(s) that made it develop. It could be a whole bunch of contributing factors, or just one thing so huge, that they have to reach out for it, in any way they can, in order to survive.

I need you to just stop for a moment, and think about those times when you’ve needed attention. The times you’ve been angry and needed someone to rant to. The times you’ve been sad and needed someone to tell you it’ll all be okay. The times you’ve felt alone and desperately needed someone to spend time with you.
What if, in the very midst of those strong feelings, someone called you an “attention seeker” and told you to just get over it? What if you’d spent years upon years dealing with things on your own, and the moment you broke the silence and had the courage to speak out about your suffering, someone told you to “sit down and shut up, and stop seeking attention”. Can you just imagine what that would do? 
Now imagine that happening to someone who has already been starved of love, doesn’t know acceptance, has never heard encouragement, never experienced trust, or is just in so much inner turmoil that they feel they need someone to listen and notice they’re struggling, and someone tells them to keep their mouth shut because no one cares.

I just want you to know that “attention seeker” needs to stop being an insult.
We ALL need attention: it’s just a basic human need, and right, that we receive it - in a positive way, of course. 
I need you to realize that by using that as an insult, you’re stripping the already-vulnerable and hurting of their courage and strength to speak out and receive help. You’re pushing them into their silent suffering even further. Those two simple words could result in another scar on someone’s skin, another day without food, or another life lost.

Don’t ever, ever underestimate the power of your words.
Words are more powerful than any of us will ever be able to comprehend.
So today, I’m asking that you use your powerful words to spread love, encouragement and hope instead of encouraging self-hate.

Wow. What more can i say than I’m blessed?

This is probably going to be the longest blog i’ll ever write but it’s worth it!

As some of you may know, yesterday was my 18th birthday! I’ve been lucky enough to spend a bit of my day with my twitter followers during a live chat! 

All of the presents i’ve gotten are so nice and i’m so thankful for y’all! 

I’ve been keeping a list all day of all the people that have been wishing me a happy birthday so i could thank each one of you in this blog. So here it goes! (if your name is missing, please please please let me know!)

THANK YOU:

@____CatchMe

@_DylanAlexis

@_meghanesque

@_niamhmiddlet0n

@_nineanutza

@_paigehall_

@abibian16

@AboutJonasBro

@aguus_nj

@aledolores

@AlexMakarova

@AlysonDemiSwift

@AlysonStonerUS

@AlyStForever

@Amal6ahery  

@ameera_nasser

@ana_terzian

@andini_keke

@AnitaBln

@ari_astrithj 

@atrishaaina

@BatrisyiaPuteri

@belucalcagno

@blessedbydemi

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Anonymous asked: i read your story, i started crying. i can't believe you stayed that strong. i don't know who you are but i have so much respect for you right now. i know people that aren't as strong as you, people close to me. i wish i could show them that there is a way out. thank you. you are an inspiration. <3

You can help them :) 

That strength is within them, they just need to let it shine through :)

Thank you for taking time to read my blog and for these sweet words, it means SO much to me :)